First College Party? Suman LLC's got yo back

Whether or not I’m going to hell for what I write is no longer at question, it’s just whether or not I have to take the stairs or elevator down there at this point. Therefore, I’d like to pass along some wisdom on College parties. They’re a lot like the deodorant aisle at a Walmart. They reek of axe deodorant body spray, fat people, and stale beer. Ok, maybe Walmart doesn’t always smell like stale beer, but you will definitely be able to sniff out at least three separate lines of Axe. 

Step #1: Avoid The Birthday Girl
You know the bitch that has the stupid tiara on and has a group of 3-4 friends with her? Imagine that she has the black plague and you have a poor immune system. Never ever bother flirting with her, unless you fantasize about holding a girls hair back in the bathroom as she throws up her Jello-Shots, birthday cake, and whatever other shit she crammed down her throat. Birthday girls = trainwreck. Their friends are pretty much useless as well because no matter what you’ll be stuck helping the drunk birthday bitch out all night. 

Step #2: Don’t Get There Early
Nothing says, “I was either going to come out to this party or stay in my dorm room and play Farmville”, like showing up to a party before they’ve even tapped the keg. You mine as well saddle up with a fanny pack and a sun visor, because the only thing going near your groin that night will be your tears, dripping from your loser face. 

Step #3: If You’re Under 21…
Watch out for those parties where every toolbox and his overweight, overly pierced girlfriend and their clique of social parasites stands out in the driveway smoking cigarettes with a plastic cup. Nothing says “there’s a raging party in the basement”, like a lineup of dipshits outside. Unless you don’t mind spending a semesters worth of beer money on a fat ticket, skip it.

Step #4: If You’re Wearing A Wife Beater…
Immediately stop reading. Go to the closest kitchen cabinet and find your bottle of Drain-o. Mix it with some orange soda, drink it entirely, and take a nap.

Step #5: So You Brought Your Girlfriend
If you have some relationship problems, the last place you want to take her is to a party. One of you will get drunk and say something stupid and next thing you know you’re the center of attention as you get bitched out. You’ll probably go home and masturbate with your own tears as lubricant. Don’t worry, its perfectly normal. 

Step #6: Stand Close To The Keg
The closest thing to having an IV of beer flowing into your bloodstream is standing as close to the keg as possible. Whenever you need a “fill up”, you’re just steps away. Just make sure you don’t become gentleman that stands there the entire night pumping the keg and trying to make friends. If you are, you mine as well join your friend with Step #4.